The List

A wise man once said to me, "Dating is nothing more than a job interview that you wear a short skirt to."

Let's face it. It use to be that dating was the prelude to a marriage proposal. Not anymore. While we may take on the burdensome task of hoping to find a partner that has all the bells and whistles, in the back of our little pea brains what we're really hoping to find is our soulmate. Soulmate? Are you kidding me?! Who on earth put that psycho-babble buzzword into your head? Yes? I'm listening...

You're a smart girl - or at least were until you started dating 'Mr. Right.'

"He's my soulmate," you coo, your eyes moist and dewy, still reflecting the pleasure of your last kiss. "Why he's so romantic he knows just what I'm thinking and feeling and has all the same dreams that I do."

Wake up, Sista - wake the hell up! Listen up and listen up good -- Fact Numero Uno...there are no soulmates, no 'perfect husband material' no 'but he finishes my sentences,' no romantics, no geniuses - in or out of bed. No! Nada! Zilch! Zero! No!

NO! NO! NO!

Whew! That felt good...

In fact, you're the only one who thinks that. Your girlfriends know better. They've got the facts. They look from afar, unemotional, unattached, unattracted to and uninvolved with (well sometimes) your amour. They know that he's none of the things your heart is telling you he is. But they don't tell you. Why? Because it just doesn't feel right bursting your fuzzy cocoon of an emotional happy bubble.

Really? When was the last time you actually met a guy, any guy, that had even the slightest glimpse of any of the qualities on your check list? You know what I'm talking about. We all have one. Here, does this look vaguely familiar?

The List:

Handsome

Ivy league educated

Romantic

Funny

Never Been Married

Wants to get married (to me!)

Not gay

Beautiful eyes

Nice Hands

Good in bed (only with me!)

Makes lots and lots of money

Faithful

Gives great back rubs

Loves animals

Eats Sushi

No bad habits

Puts down the toilet seat

Retrainable (If he has any habits I don't like)

Takes me to the ballet

Loves to travel

Did I say wants to get married (to me!)

So there I was on a Friday night getting dressed for a date with a new man. I found myself repeating the above referenced list over and over in my head. The doorbell rang. But the minute I opened the door and laid eyes on that handsome hunk of man-o-man standing right there in front of me just an arms length away..whoosh...I heard my list fly right past me. Yup, damn thing pushed me over as it slipped by me and 'Mr. Right NOW' and on out into the night.

The next day I couldn't wait to share the details of my romantic interlude with my gal pal, Trudi. I knew she'd cheer me on, she always does. "You go, girl!" she sings. In fact, our conversation the next day probably went something like this:

brring brring

Helllloooooooo

Sigh.

Hello?

Sigh

Who is this?!

It's me, the luckiest girl in the world...

Silence

What's the matter, you sound out of breath

No, no. I'm fine. I've just returned home from the best date I've ever had in my life.

But it's two o'clock in the afternoon!

I know. Isn't it wonderful?

Sounds like your date went well.

It went better than well...it went beyond great! We met for cocktails, he invited me to stay for dinner, then a nightcap at his place. We talked and talked and talked and talked all night. We just couldn't bear to part. Sigh

Oh, sounds fun. Now where'd you meet this guy, again?

At Fudgie's birthday party. Sigh

Oh. Yeah. Right. And what did you say he does for a living?

Well, he's a little down on his luck right now. Been trying to get a job for the past year and a half. His therapist says that his depression is really only temporary so the panic attacks will probably go away soon -- well, at least as soon as he finds a job. He's got two kids who live with their mom upstate. He's ok with that except for the time his son was caught having an affair with his third grade teacher, and his daughter applied to a college in Guataumala. Otherwise, they've faired pretty well with the divorce and all...oh, well, with the pending divorce. He hasn't really filed the paperwork yet because he's afraid his wife will get too upset and apparently she's pretty ugly when she gets upset. But he's sure it'll all work out -- eventually. I told him that I'd help him organize his paperwork right after we find him a new apartment. He's got a really loose cannon roommate right now. It's some chick. I didn't get the whole story. But anyway, he wants to see me again tonight so I told him I'd treat him to a nice dinner at Chez Tout, you know, cheer him up. Oh, did I tell you how absolutely dreamy this guys is?

Why yes, several times. I'm so happy for you. Sounds like you've met a great guy! Someone you can finally talk to. He sounds NOTHING like that heel, Randall, you used to date. And handsome, too. Wow. Score! Can't wait to meet him. He sounds perfect for you. Don't keep him a stranger, now. Let's get together soon so I can look him over and give my blessing.

But what Trudi was really thinking is this:

What the hell!?? My dear dear sweet stupid friend has done it again. Where is her brain? Why she's actually going to be sleeping with a bona fide bozo and she doesn't have the slightest idea that she should be running as fast as she can in the opposite direction. Is she completely blind?! This loser is going to piss on her parade, bleed her bank account dry, and break her poor, pitiful cookies and milk heart. What the hell happened to her list?! WHERE IS THAT STINKIN' LIST! I've gone over and over and over that damn thing with her a hundred and one times. Damn! I just don't have the time right now to re-evaluate this friendship - again. Sigh. Oh well, I'm not going to tell her the truth todaY. She's had a rough week at work with the new boss and all. Besides, I've got a nail appointment and she sounds so happy. SHE'LL FIND OUT SOON ENOUGH.

Huh? Soon enough..Whaddiayamean 'soon enough?

Oh yeah that golden nano second that the offending beast in no longer around. Then the flood gates will open. No judgement is too small to share with the heartbroken.

Sobbing in a heap on the floor you learn from your friends that he was too fat, too thin, too lazy, too uneducated and underemployed or underpaid for you. Why, he should be embarrassed just getting up out of bed each morning. He contributes nothing to the human race. In fact, he brings the curve of human decency down to the bargain basement level. He's nothing but a walking bucket of crap taking up nothing but space on this planet. His grooming left much to be desired. He was really married, really gay or had hit on every one of your closest pals at your Aunt Martha's funeral -- and he hadn't even had a beer yet! He dressed funny, smelled funny and never had a sense of humor that you deserve in a man.

You deserve better. You always deserve better.